We want to be the best mom.

The most reliable friend.

The star volunteer.

Wife of the year.

A daughter who does all she can for her aging parents.

You get the point. A lot of us have never said, “No,” to anyone.

It has come with a huge price.

We are stretched too thin.

We are over scheduled.

We are exhausted.

People depend on us for more and more because we showed how reliable we are.

We let people down because things would fall through the cracks because we said yes to too many things.

Read that last one again. One reason we continue to say, “Yes,” is so we don’t let others down. Sometimes it happens anyway. We double book. We make a mistake.

We also don’t want to be selfish. If we give and give and give, then we are selfless, someone to be admired and revered.

In reality, saying, “No,” to others is a sign of self-respect. It’s not selfish at all. And when we say, “Yes,” all the time, we not respecting ourselves. We are making a sacrifice of our time an energy that doesn’t need to be made.

So, how do we stop saying, “No,” all the time? It’s as easy as setting a boundary and shifting our mindset about what we say, “Yes,” to.

Okay, so maybe it’s not that easy. Learning to set boundaries and changing our mindset takes time and practice. But, it’s worth it. It did wonders for me when I started to say, “No,” to things I did not want to do (or to things that would have left me no time for rest.

In my Sunday Reset Notes, I talk about adding things to simplify your life and taking away things that aren’t serving you. I want you to consider taking out the word yes from your vocabulary. I don’t mean entirely. Say yes to the cake and the going to spending more time at the pool. Seriously though, say yes to less. Say no to things you really don’t have time or energy for. Say no to the things you’re not really interested in doing. Social obligations still exist in our society. I’m not sure what to do about those boring work events or the wedding of your second cousin twice removed that you never met. You may have to show your face there. But, start to consider things before you say yes. Say, “I need to check my calendar,” and see how your schedule will look once you add another thing.

I’m giving you permission to say, “No!” It’s really empowering and a sign that you love and respect yourself.

These Sunday Reset Notes start to get redundant. I hope they serve as inspiration and a guide to help y…

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Currently I value rest. Perimenopause is kicking my ass. The list of symptoms would take up too much space, so I’ll spare you. With the weekend being only two days long, I have to prioritize what I say yes to. Will there still be time to rest?

I look at what needs to be done: laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, food prep.

I look at what else I value: time with family. What events are we interested in? Have we been invited to any parties? What can I say yes to and still have time to veg out on the couch?

At this stage I can’t say yes to everything. In a couple of weeks, my husband was invited to an event of a company he networks with. That event is on a Saturday. Yesterday we were invited to a BBQ on the Sunday of that same week. I told my husband I will have to decide if we can do both. As I prioritize rest, two events in one weekend may be too much. If I don’t veg out and recharge, the new week will be a struggle.

Sometimes I think, “When did I get so old to where i can do one thing at a time?” Eight years ago I was going to two concerts in one weekend and staying up until 3:30 AM each night. The reality is I’m not old; I’ve shift what I needed to prioritize. My health, even though a change in hormones is not a serious diagnosis (It could be worse), is what I need to prioritize.

I know things can shift as my perimenopause journey changes or as my coaching business becomes more busy. I could also see a shift in values and priorities if I choose to get involved in group activities that light me up and recharge my batteries. As these shifts happen in my life, what goes in my planner will change. What I say yes to will change.

This is planning with intention. This is matching my planner/calendar to my values.

Have questions or what support in how you can plan with intention? Reach out to talk about how to work with me.

In 2019, I left teaching to start my Life Coach business. I had finished my Whole Person Life Coach certification and was craving something more. Anything had to be better than the deep despair I was in. I was burned out and consistently overwhelmed. I’d come home from a day of attempting to teach future minds to read, write, and critically think and stare into space. I was irritable. I was not present with my family. I was a shell of the person I was meant to be. My now husband said he liked me better in the summers; I was nicer and more fun.

I pushed through each day because I needed a job. I needed to make money to live. So I’d wake up at the last possible moment, drag myself out of bed, throw on clothes, and go to work. I’d feel the life leave me when I walked through the door. (I just have to add this in case they see it—some of my students were great and we are still in touch. Some of them made my whole day. It wasn’t the students; it was the system). Anyway, life was tough. I was just surviving! Then I saw Steve Harvey’s Jump video and knew I had to take risks and actually live my life.

But his video wasn’t the turning point for me. The turning point is the fact I have heart disease. At age 34 I had Congestive Heart Failure. I had it again at age 39. We don’t know why this happened to me. So after the 2nd time, I was really concerned about my health. I wanted to live as long as I could. In 2018/2019, I went to the doctor for an illness. It was just a viral infection. It wasn’t strep (which was good), but any virus can damage the heart. The reality of a virus ending my life at any moment freaked me out. AND, since I worked in a school, I was sick a lot, and it was always viral.

In thinking about this, I realized life is too short to wake up and go to a job that was draining me. I had to JUMP! I had to take the risk and see where it landed. Things couldn’t get worse. AND with life being so short, what did I have to lose? If it didn’t work, then at least I knew I tried. I always had the option to go back to the classroom.

My business had so many iterations before it landed where it is right now. I started off wanting to be an Academic Coach to help teenagers with study habits and applying to college. Then I switched to GenX women and helping them rediscover their inner child. I think this could have worked with a better marketing strategy. We all need play and fun in our lives. Next I was going to coach busy moms, but I wasn’t feeling this. My son and step kids were close to grown, so it was difficult to relate to parenting issues that were slightly different than mine (the world changes fast and parenting toddlers was no longer the same).

I was drawn to women in midlife, those who are GenX like me. I was getting my shit together, and I wanted to help others. Maybe I could catch them at the beginning of burnout before things got as dark as they did for me. Maybe I could show them there was more to life before they had the scare of an illness. My story and why I am drawn to this audience is because I know what it’s like to be here.

I started to focus on time management and productivity because I love office supplies and think with simple systems we can get more done. Having simple systems can take us out of burnout and overwhelm because they give our brain time to reset and recover. I became known at “The Time Management Coach” in the Woodlands, TX Facebook groups. It was kinda cool because I did not give myself that name.

When I started to reopen my business after three years of being closed, I decided I wanted to take woman into a deeper transformation. I’m no longer simply a “time management coach.” I’m a Life Systems Coach who helps women create a live that supports them. My focus is on boundaries, planning with intention (your calendar should reflect your values), and stepping into the life you want to live.

Where did this pivot come from? Somewhere in my 40s I figured out that in order to be my best self and do my best work, whatever I am doing has to be aligned with my values and where I want to be in life. I know this realization started when I left the classroom in 2019, but it really cemented in the last couple of years. If it doesn’t serve me, it doesn’t need to be part of my life. I have never been a job hopper; I’m such a loyal person. But since I have been in MA, I have left two jobs because they were not aligned. Both took more than they gave. The last one had values not aligned with mine. We prioritized different things. That is fine to be different, but I get to choose where I work. No more staying at a job and letting it run me into the ground. I want to give women permission to move on and set boundaries. I think we don’t do that like we should when we are younger.

So, here is a Cliff Notes version of how I got here. There is probably more to these stories. Some details aren’t relevant. Some take us down a path to a whole other story.

I’m curious, do you relate to any of this? Which parts? Any questions?

Interested in finding out what it is like to work with me? Click the button below.

Sometimes I just want to skip the reset. No matter how sacred it is to me, it does pull me away from veggin’ out on the couch and not thinking about anything (my freeze/withdraw from the world). But this is when I need to reset the most.

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There are planners, workbooks, journals, printable calendars… The list goes on and on. I’m guilty of buying some of these prior to developing my simple systems. I wanted a quick fix that would help me have it all together.

Guess what? They didn’t work for me. This is nothing against the any of these authors or designers. They created fantastic products. I’m guessing there are people out there who these planners and journals were a perfect fit for.

For me, a lot of them were too complex for my day-to-day life. Lots of blanks to fill in. Water glasses to color in. Habits to list and track. Journal prompts for each day. All great ways to reflect and record information, but they were time consuming. They didn’t fit my life. I wasn’t getting more done; I had more to do.

Others didn’t include everything I needed. Instead of having too much to fill in, there wasn’t enough. I need lined pages to take notes to keep everything in one place. I need to write my yearly and monthly goals in one place, so I can break tasks down throughout the year.

There was a time I thought about designing a planner/workbook for my systems. I would include inspirational quotes, time management tips, what you need to do to get more done, and plenty of extra space for notes and goals. I believe in my systems, and I know they work. I could easily sell a planner like many other creators and coaches.

I changed my mind. Putting together a journal/workbook would only help a small number of people at the end of the day. For others, it would be overwhelming and they would abandon it. My systems are simple and easy to teach. The best part of them is that they can customized for each person. They need to fit into each individual’s life.

As a coach, when I work with women one-to-one, I want to help them implement and customize simple systems into their real lives. I don’t want them to have more to do; I want them to get more done by doing less. This goes for the busy moms, women in corporate, small business owners, women in midlife who want to plan with intention.

So, when your social media is full of planners and journals that promise to get your organized “once and for all” think twice before spending the money. You don’t need a better planner, you need simple systems that work in your real life. Trust me; I have tried both ways. I get way more done with simple systems than with complex planners and journals.

Want to learn more about working with me? Click the button below:

We also enjoyed pool time and grilled cheeseburgers!

It’s Sunday, so it’s time to reset for the week. Even if you are on vacation, it doesn’t hurt to do a 5 minute reset. Choose one thing from the Cliff notes and do that. Me? I’m back to work tomorrow, so I’ll be doing the full reset.

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Fight.

Freeze.

Most people are familiar with the survival instincts of our lizard brain. When faced with danger (or perceived danger), these are our responses.

And danger doesn’t have to be a great white off the Cape or a brown bear in the woods. Danger could be having to deal with people after a week of stress. Just regular people. Our central nervous systems are so deregulated that we can’t do the simplest thing, so our brain reverts to our survival instincts.

My lizard’s brain go-to response after too much stress and overwhelm is FREEZE.

And when I FREEZE, I just shut down.

What does this look like? For me it’s staying in bed all day and scrolling on my phone and napping or laying on the couch an watching either true crime shows or Lifetime movies.

No people.

No social graces.

No thinking.

My brain protects me by having me withdraw inward and not think about anything of importance.

So, I was in this space on Saturday. I wanted to FREEZE and shut down. My day job was overly stressful this week. Things out of my control that I could not fix. My husband was out of town which always puts more pressure on me at home. I’m working part-time on my life coach business wanting to do a great job for potential clients.

So Saturday it was time to freeze and hide from the world. BUT…

My husband had signed us up for a river cruise with a group he belongs to. He had paid for us to go, and he was really looking forward.

It took everything I had to get ready and drag myself at the door. In full transparency, I was not the most pleasant person. My brain was telling me to FREEZE and shut down while I pushed my body to shower, fix my hair, get dressed. etc. Then the traffic to get to the North Shore was stressful, and I just knew I was gonna be pissed if we missed the boat. All the time wasted when I could have been curled up on the couch watching TV.

Good News! We made the boat. A day at the beach is just what I needed. The beach is my happy place. The sound of the waves. The warmth of the sun. Being in community (although with strangers) instead of shutting out the world felt nice. The Vitamin D. It’s what I needed. Thinking that I could have missed all that made me realize how important it is to fight our survival instincts from time-to-time. Sometimes the perceived danger isn’t real.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a secret list of steps for you. I can’t tell you what is and what is not “danger” for you. I’m a big believer in recharging by doing nothing in your pajamas all day. I’m sharing the story because I hope you’ll reflect inward when your brain is telling you to fight, flight, or freeze in instances of stress and overwhelm. Talk to yourself.

Do you need to shutdown for self-preservation?

Would getting out and doing XYZ possibly be better for you?

By slowing down and not giving all the power to your lizard brain you’re able to have choice in how you react to stress and overwhelm in your life. You may not have control of the situations that overwhelm you, and you may not be able to fix them. But, you can control how you react to them.

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My 40s brought me a lot of wisdom. They also helped me hone my ability to set and maintain my boundaries. When you first start to set them, it’s difficult. I felt guilty saying no to things. Not because I really wanted to do XYZ. I felt guilty because I felt I was letting someone else down.

I would think of all the years I said yes to things I didn’t want to do out of obligation, and how unhappy I was doing the things I said yes to. The time lost. And sometimes, the realization that some people you said yes to had no problem saying no to you. UGH!

I helped women who are overwhelmed with life. Chances are if you’re overwhelmed, you’re saying yes to too many things. Think about how many events are on your calendar for the month that you wished you could have said no to. Saying yes to everyone only lets down you.

Here is an example of a conversation from my day job. My coworker and I have to meet with a couple about a complaint they filed. (There is a lot of confidentiality in my job, so I will not mention any details about it). Below is a retelling of the text conversation (not word for word, but my summary)

STOP! Do you see how even after I set the boundary, they tried to still come in Friday morning. At this point, my coworker said she would cancel her doctor appointment on Thursday morning. I told her, she would not. IMPORTANT: This meeting is not an emergency. It did not have to happen last week. The same results will happen this week.

Back to the conversation…

A simple boundary. A simple conversation. While we need to be flexible at our jobs and in our lives. we do not have to let others dictate everything to us. We had a reason for setting the boundary the way we did. I explained it. They didn’t want to accept my answer. I held firm.

Was this easy? Well, I’ll admit. This conversation was easy for me. I knew two things to be true: 1. Both my coworker and I need to be in the meeting (Thursday morning was out); 2. Friday we needed to help the whole team AND Friday was supposed to be a day of fun. The conversation could take several turns. We did not want to start the day off in a negative way.

I think knowing the facts of the matter helped me in this conversation. If I reflect on other times I had to set similar boundaries to protect my time (AND PEACE), I did the same thing. I knew why the boundary was important, and I was able to state that.

How are you at setting boundaries? Is it a skill you are growing?

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The name of my business, Beyond the Chrysalis, came from a quote I saw. I can not find who to credit for this quote, but it really drove home for me what the butterfly symbolizes in my life.

Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and still become something beautiful.

For me, this explained the challenges and difficult times in my life. I went through those (we go through them) to grow stronger and more beautiful. Note: Beautiful doesn’t necessairly mean in a physical sense. Beautiful in this case is the new and better version of yourself after your period of growth.

I’m going to get scientific for a moment. Don’t worry, I won’t do this often. I love history way more than I love science. It’s important for you to have this information to understand me and my outlook on life.

Metamorphosis

The life cycle of a butterfly is way more amazing that what our elementary school teachers told us. Apparently, when a caterpillar hatches from its egg, all the parts (eyes, wings, legs, etc) needed to become a mature butterfly are present; we just can’t see them. Once inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar digests itself, releasing enzymes to dissolve all its tissues. During this time. the caterpillar becomes a pile of goo with butterfly parts floating inside. During the miracle of metamorphosis, rapid cell division starts and the butterfly is formed. That’s the short, simple version. Pretty amazing, right?

So What?

So what does this have to do with me and my coaching business? How does this help guide me through life?

EVERYTHING!

I’ve never been reduced to a literal puddle of goo, but I’ve been in the darkness. I’ve been stuck waiting for the pieces to together “just right” so I could be beautiful. Each hardship, challenge bout with depression has reduced me to goo and I came out of it strong and beautiful.

What’s amazing is we have all the parts inside of us to become the whole butterfly. As a life coach, I know the women I work with are strong and beautiful with all the parts they need to be beautiful butterfly they want to be. I help them put the pieces together by coaching them toward their goals. I work on reclaiming time and energy with my clients, but they have all the answers inside. They are the experts on themselves. They just need someone walking with them (which is different from the caterpillar to butterfly). I guess as the life coach. I’m the enzymes?

I don’t know about you, but perimenopause is kicking my ass. It would take too much room to list all my symptoms. But there are many days where I don’t feel like me. From my experiences in life I know I’m in the goo again. I know this too shall pass. I know there is support out there in coaches, therapists, and friends.

Wrap Up

In summary, we can learn a lot about the caterpillar to butterfly story. There are processes we must go through to get to where we need or want to be. Life isn’t always easy, but we all have what we need to have the life we want inside of us. Sometimes we need help putting the pieces together.

Are you in the goo? Ready to take back your life and stop feeling behind? Contact me with the button below.

This week’s post may be a little longer sin…

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When we got married two years ago, I had to create a vibe. We had brunch stations with a made to order omelet station along with pancakes and waffles, biscuits and gravy, and a cereal bar. The decor was DIY and aligned with the them of Enchantment by the Sea. The colors were inspired by a picture I found of a bouquet. I recreated the bouquet then wove them into the bridal party dresses and decorations. It was a beautiful experience for all curated by me.

Fast forward two years to my 50th birthday. I researched themes all over Pinterest and Google. I wanted something unique. I did not want to do what everyone else did. I came up with “Golden Decade Time Capsule Party.” We were going to travel through the last 50 years with food. I also found the quote: “Antiques are just old things with really good stories.” I wanted to collect memories and stories from my friends. I made a mood board, chose decor to go with the time travel theme, and planned the menu with the help of a chef. I ordered cookies that would represent pop culture from the last 5 decades.

The menu…. I asked a chef friend of mine about popular appetizers from each decade of the last 50 years. He gave me a list, and I chose things I would like from the list. Then we proceeded to do ALL the food.

Long story short, we ran out of time. We did not serve all the food we bought. Balloons didn’t get blown up. All the decor didn’t make it out. It was stressful and disappointing. I had over shot, and there was no way my husband and I would be able to properly execute this.

When my friends showed up we were running around like chickens with our heads cut off. It was embarrassing. It was stressful and meltdown worthy. Lucky for me some of my friends saved the day with some final finishing touches.

What did I learn? It’s time to create experiences for me. It’s not about everyone enjoying the vibe and being in awe of the small details. It’s not about the guests being blown away by the thoughtfulness of the food. It’s about what vibe will I enjoy? We could have ordered some pizzas, served some alcohol, had some cookies (from the different decades because they were fun and tasted good), and I could have spent more time with my guests.

I was so fixated on being over the top party with a unique theme and less focused on making my own memories. Don’t get me wrong, when everything calmed down, I had fun. It was great to see so many of my friends in one room. It was fun to talk to people.

The over the top productions need to end. If I want to be over the top, I can buy an over the top outfit, but I need to keep things simple. I know to keep things simple when it comes to my daily and weekly planning and productivity tools. I need to apply that to other parts of my life.

This was a big lesson for me. It was a little difficult to swallow, but I don’t always need to be the overachiever. I like chill parties. Do I regret trying to pull this off? Not at all. I wouldn’t have learned the lesson. As I age (even though I’m still young), I need to keep it simple and do what makes me happy. I don’t need to create the biggest and best experience for my guests. I need to make sure we all have a fun time whatever that may look like.

Not in the religious sense. At least not for me.

They are to be revered; they are to be respected as a reset. They set me up for a success as the new week starts.

Sundays are when I do laundry, so I have everything clean for the week. Sundays are when I prep the fruit for my morning smoothies. Sundays are when we grocery shop and set our menu for the week, so we all know what to expect for dinner (this especially helps my son). Sundays are when I reset my mind and prepare for the week.

What does my Sunday Reset look like? I spend about 15-20 minutes with my planner. I still keep a paper planner, and without it, my life falls apart. I write down appointments and tasks for the week. I check-in on monthly goals and add in any tasks needed to meet these goals. I realistically evaluate what can and cannot be done basked on appointments and prior commitments.

No judgement.

No berating myself.

No disappointment.

Once my planner is ready, I put it away starting the week with a sense of accomplishment. This small reset routine is the first win of a new week. It helped ease the “Sunday Blues” by reflecting on what I have to look forward to during the week.

When I get to the next Sunday, I reflect on the week I just finished. Maybe I didn’t hit all the goals or check off all the tasks, but they easily move to the next week (in almost every case). I also look at what happened; what distracted me? Where did the weekly system break down?

When I don’t do my Sunday Reset, my week feels chaotic, I get less done, and I forget things I thought I could remember. This is where I judge, berate, and disappointment myself. I have the simple system; I need to use it.

Starting next Sunday, Paid Subscribers will get my Sunday Reset Notes to ease them into their work week and start with a win.

One day, I was talking to my therapist about having to remind my son to do everything (context: he’s 23 and has high functioning autism spectrum disorder). Not only do I need to remember all my stuff, I have to remember all his stuff. She mentioned that’s a lot for my mental load.

I sat with this idea for a while. I looked for examples of this happening. Not only with my son, but with my husband.

Then my husband went to a conference out of state for a full week. Halfway through the week, my brain was drained, and I was physically exhausted. By the end of the week, my body ached all over and my brain was mush. That week I had to remember all my stuff, my husband’s stuff (things he usually took care of in the home), my son’s stuff, and deal with any issues that came up.

I didn’t have the capacity. And guess what? I told them that. I told my son he’ll have to write notes on his phone (or a physical Post-It to remember things). I told my husband, that when he’s not out of town, he has to take more of the mental load. I can’t be the only one to remember what everyone in the house has to do.

I feel women take pride in running the house and keeping all the parts moving. There are a lot of parts, and I remember when our kids were younger, I loved when I planned out how to pick up all three kids and get them to three activities and get dinner ready. It was an accomplishment.

BUT, it’s exhausting! Perimenopause has me in a brain fog. Work is busy. I’m reopening my business. I want to spend time reading and connecting with friends. I can’t do all that and remember everyone else’s stuff.

Everyone in the home needs to carry their own mental load (to the best of their ability). We may be able to do anything, but we don’t have to do everything. Letting go of the habit of managing everyone’s schedule and making sure everything gets done, will free us up to focus on what is most important to us. It will also be less exhausting.

How will you share the mental load in your home? What will you let go of?