Boundaries

They Protect Your Time & Your Peace

I feel like the word “boundaries” gets thrown around a lot. People say they aren’t good with them. but I believe they are something you learn and strengthen with time.

My 40s brought me a lot of wisdom. They also helped me hone my ability to set and maintain my boundaries. When you first start to set them, it’s difficult. I felt guilty saying no to things. Not because I really wanted to do XYZ. I felt guilty because I felt I was letting someone else down.

I would think of all the years I said yes to things I didn’t want to do out of obligation, and how unhappy I was doing the things I said yes to. The time lost. And sometimes, the realization that some people you said yes to had no problem saying no to you. UGH!

I helped women who are overwhelmed with life. Chances are if you’re overwhelmed, you’re saying yes to too many things. Think about how many events are on your calendar for the month that you wished you could have said no to. Saying yes to everyone only lets down you.

Here is an example of a conversation from my day job. My coworker and I have to meet with a couple about a complaint they filed. (There is a lot of confidentiality in my job, so I will not mention any details about it). Below is a retelling of the text conversation (not word for word, but my summary)

Them: We can come in tomorrow (Thursday) morning.

Me: My coworker won’t be in until the afternoon.

Them: Aren’t you open on Friday.

Me: Yes we are, but we are doing the BBQ for everyone that day. In the morning it will be the whole team on deck to set up. We can meet with you next Tuesday.

Them: Next week doesn’t work for us. We really want to get this over. We will meet with you on Friday morning.

STOP! Do you see how even after I set the boundary, they tried to still come in Friday morning. At this point, my coworker said she would cancel her doctor appointment on Thursday morning. I told her, she would not. IMPORTANT: This meeting is not an emergency. It did not have to happen last week. The same results will happen this week.

Back to the conversation…

Me: As I mentioned, we cannot meet with you Friday. We are part of the team, and we need to be helping with set up. Let me know when you can meet next week. There are fewer programs scheduled next week, so my schedule will be pretty open.

Them: Okay, we will.

A simple boundary. A simple conversation. While we need to be flexible at our jobs and in our lives. we do not have to let others dictate everything to us. We had a reason for setting the boundary the way we did. I explained it. They didn’t want to accept my answer. I held firm.

Was this easy? Well, I’ll admit. This conversation was easy for me. I knew two things to be true: 1. Both my coworker and I need to be in the meeting (Thursday morning was out); 2. Friday we needed to help the whole team AND Friday was supposed to be a day of fun. The conversation could take several turns. We did not want to start the day off in a negative way.

I think knowing the facts of the matter helped me in this conversation. If I reflect on other times I had to set similar boundaries to protect my time (AND PEACE), I did the same thing. I knew why the boundary was important, and I was able to state that.

How are you at setting boundaries? Is it a skill you are growing?