The Identity that Kept You Alive
Who are You Without the Role You Mastered
In 2021, my son graduated high school. For me, his whole life had been about him. I divorced his father when he was two, and met my current husband when he was thirteen. The years in between were very focused on him. Sure, I dated and took girls’ trips. I worked two to three jobs at some stages of his life, so I was not as involved as I would have liked to be. During his high school years, he got involved in theatre. I became a theatre mom (or drama mama) as the teachers called it. Theatre was our life. I loved it almost as much as my son did.
The closer his graduation got, the more lost I felt. I had always been “Alex’s mom.” That was my identity Who was I now? Sure, I was a girlfriend, friend, teacher, board member, speaker, life coach, and on and on and on. But my biggest identity was “Alex’s mom”, and I didn’t know what I was going to do without theatre and Alex being such a huge part of my life.
When he graduated, he was going to go to college in the same town we lived in. He wanted to live in the dorm which I thought would be a great way for him to make friends. He made it through one semester of college and then was back home again. He’s still home with us. But, it’s not the same as it was when he was in high school. He’s grown now and would rather keep to himself. He has a ton of online friends; he’d rather chat with them on the computer than watch TV with us. His interest in theatre has changed even though I want to hang on to that part of our lives
Being his mom and being an active theatre parent was a big part of my identity. It made me feel alive. So, who am I now without that part of me?
Who the f— knows? I’m still trying to figure it out.
But different women go through this in different ways. Their marriage dissolves after 20-30 years. They don’t know how to be single and start over. They lose a job they’ve had since they graduated college 20-30 years ago, and they find themselves fighting with the AI to get their resume to a human. They lose a loved one. There are many examples of the thing that shows you that your identity was simply keeping you alive.
I suggest to people to have their own hobbies, friends, activities, and continue building skills throughout life. With kids, like in my situation, I tell people not to make their kids their whole lives. Easier said than done. We have them for a short time before they are grown and know everything and want to do their own thing, but have your hobbies, friends (who you don’t just see at the kids’ playdates), and plans that don’t involve your kids. I think it makes sliding into “empty nesting” a little easier. (And even though my son is here, it feels emptier than when he was younger).
It’s important to define your role; choose you want to be. I read a Substack article this morning about the many hats women wear and how women should try to wear them one at a time. (I shared on my Substack—go check it out). Although the roles of wife, mother, dog mom, co-worker, employee, volunteer, etc. are important. don’t lose you in those roles. Have “hats” just for you.
For those of us who are in midlife—the GenXers and Elder Millennials, we may have already put so many people first. We’ve mastered these roles that have kept us alive and we’re starting to feel lost. We are grieving for a life that once was. It’s too late to take the advice of not putting others first. We did it already. So, what do we do?
We take our favorite parts of ourselves and nurture those. We pick up old hobbies. We start dating our husband again or scheduling regular girls’ nights (or both). We remove all the things that don’t serve us, and we create the life that fits us best.
It’s not a reinvention. It’s not starting over. It’s a repositioning. We are choosing our identity and mastering a new set of rules and roles.
I’m still in the midst of this journey, but I know where I want to go. Well, there’s a rough sketch and outline. A guide of sorts. Reflect on where you want to go in this next chapter and who you want to be (not a reinvention—bring out the favorite parts of you).
I’d love to know your thoughts on any of this. Comment below.