The Invisible Workload Nobody Talks About
Carrying the Mental Load of Others
Women try to carry it all. I think it’s because we were told we can do anything, and we think we need to do everything. It’s time to shut that down.
One day, I was talking to my therapist about having to remind my son to do everything (context: he’s 23 and has high functioning autism spectrum disorder). Not only do I need to remember all my stuff, I have to remember all his stuff. She mentioned that’s a lot for my mental load.
I sat with this idea for a while. I looked for examples of this happening. Not only with my son, but with my husband.
Then my husband went to a conference out of state for a full week. Halfway through the week, my brain was drained, and I was physically exhausted. By the end of the week, my body ached all over and my brain was mush. That week I had to remember all my stuff, my husband’s stuff (things he usually took care of in the home), my son’s stuff, and deal with any issues that came up.
I didn’t have the capacity. And guess what? I told them that. I told my son he’ll have to write notes on his phone (or a physical Post-It to remember things). I told my husband, that when he’s not out of town, he has to take more of the mental load. I can’t be the only one to remember what everyone in the house has to do.
I feel women take pride in running the house and keeping all the parts moving. There are a lot of parts, and I remember when our kids were younger, I loved when I planned out how to pick up all three kids and get them to three activities and get dinner ready. It was an accomplishment.
BUT, it’s exhausting! Perimenopause has me in a brain fog. Work is busy. I’m reopening my business. I want to spend time reading and connecting with friends. I can’t do all that and remember everyone else’s stuff.
Everyone in the home needs to carry their own mental load (to the best of their ability). We may be able to do anything, but we don’t have to do everything. Letting go of the habit of managing everyone’s schedule and making sure everything gets done, will free us up to focus on what is most important to us. It will also be less exhausting.
How will you share the mental load in your home? What will you let go of?
You recognised your limits and had honest conversations with your husband and son instead of just pushing through. Always remember, sharing responsibility isn’t about doing less; it’s about making home a team effort.